Tickled Pink

RSVPs

2010-05-13T23:54:00.000-07:00

Seriously, who knew that they would cause me to alternately feel both super excited and super terrified? [CAVEAT: haha, I totally run to the mailbox and eagerly open up the little envelopes. I love receiving them and I feel slightly bad that David doesn't get to experience this since they are all arriving at my house.... hehe. ehhh, he's a boy and he's working a lot so he probably wouldn't get the crazy GIDDY feeling that I get...muuhahhaha... ]

ANYWAY, excited makes sense but why super terrified? Well, because we invited a lot of people and for some reason, every time I come home, I find out that my mom has sent out more invitations! So, what started off as a maximum number for the reception has started off as a jumping point. I swear, my mom could negotiate candy from a baby. I shake my head... ;)

A Lovely Love Story, by Edward Monkton

2010-05-13T14:25:00.001-07:00

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

I like this Dinosaur thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.
He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.

I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.
She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.

But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
He is also overly fond of things.
Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?

But her mind skips from here to there so quickly thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.
Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?

I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.

I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.
Look at them.
Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love.
Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.
For the sun is warm.
And the world is a beautiful place.

LA Girls, now we are getting married...

2010-04-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

:)

2010-04-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

Visions of Fairies

2010-04-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

I am so happy today! Everything is working out well, oh so well, I love my new venue's coordinator. She actually - gasp - responds to emails. She does follow up (wow, what a concept) with third party vendors. and, she's honest (really? holy moly). lol.

Now, finally, wedding planning is getting more fun.

My dear dear friend is getting married this weekend. During her bachelorette party, as we were frolicking around on the dance floor, I kept looking at her and thinking, omg, she's all grown up now and she's going to be someone's wife and have a "mrs." in front of her name and a pretty silver band on her finger and even us... we're all getting old... this is it, our really crazy twenties are over... and I felt a little teary.

*shake shake* Onward.

so funny

2010-03-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that whenever I get what I want, I don't want it anymore. No wonder I'm so fickle. Case in point, there's this hair and makeup artist who is supposedly the best in the industry for weddings, and she was all booked up when I check in with her two months ago and now, she's available and wants me to hire her. I'm just like, eh. lol. play hard to get s'more, lady!

july

2010-01-05T22:48:00.000-08:00

So I am looking through the Hollywood Bowl line up for this summer, and thinking, definitely want to take my parents to the fourth of july extravaganza... and then, realized, EEK! I'm going to be a Mrs. in July! heheheehehhehehehehe. ;)

Christmas in New York - 2009

2010-01-04T23:04:00.000-08:00

My parents and I went to NYC to visit Rob and also to spend some time with David's family. Here are the pictures, although they are in reverse chron order due to the way the pictures were uploaded here...hehe

I swear, my parents look like models here. @ rockefeller center

View from my bro's office.

with my mom in front of our hotel.

i love how rob is explaining something to mom

all the important men in my life, including my dad, who is gazing at us ;)

this one cracked me up; @ the met

streets of ny. no gangs, however.

fobs foreva!

central park.

liberty park - ah winter, is this how you look?

dual photographers. so funny.

partners at liberty island

newwwwwwwww york!!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-22T00:28:00.000-08:00

SO EXCITED!

Working at not working

2009-12-15T00:14:00.001-08:00

Another long day at work. No, Mr. Partner, I can't do 500 million things at once. No, Mr. Associate, I can't do your work for you. At the end of the day, I couldn't really focus on anything wedding related, but D barraged me questions regarding it and I just snapped. I got so annoyed with an underlying sentiment of, why should "I" have the answers? Aren't the answers to these questions self-evident? Sometimes, I feel like I take my frustrations at work back to D and it's really no excuse that he's an attorney and he "gets" the job more than anyone else I know. It's just... this is such a cliche that we treat people at work better than those we love. I just have to hold on to myself and relax into the person I am and continue to want to be, unclenched, not anal (well, not as much as I am forced to be at work) and a little more free with love. No biting.

like a maniac!

2009-12-01T22:48:00.000-08:00

So other than working, I've been taking a whole lot of pictures. I'm having the most fun making people around me work their inner model. (They secretly love it... haha.)

1234

2009-11-14T15:16:00.001-08:00

can't get over how much I love this song.

food for thought

2009-10-28T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've been declining lunch dates so that I can sit in my office and ... read! Part of me felt really bad that I wasn't reading "real" books that smell like the printing press and feature pretty covers whose wear shows my devotion. But that feeling wore off after I started getting used to instantaneous downloads. I'm in the middle of reading Patricia Cornwell's latest installment of Dr. Scarpetta's adventures with her now husband, Benson. haha. I love junk fiction.

All inside

2009-10-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

I have a secret desire to be a lot of things, one of them being a florist. ha ha. I've done arrangements for my friend's bridal shower, see how they came out? I went to the LA flowermart and made 6 centerpieces for a ladies' lunch. ;)

Just the other day I received flowers from a gf, and because the buds had not fully opened, i manually opened each of the petals by hand - they look fully bloomed but yet they are not, so I think they stay fresh longer in the "bloomed" look. *I think, or at least according to this florist whose work i follow* Anyway, this is how they look, bloomed, but not yet fully.

love them!

Oh, let us be bold. Let us not withhold.

2009-10-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear friend, are you already saved? Then keep not back from union with the Lord's people. Neglect not the ordinances of baptism and the Lord's Supper. You may be of a timid disposition, but you must strive against it, lest it lead you into disobedience. There is a sweet promise made to those who confess Christ—by no means miss it, lest you come under the condemnation of those who deny Him. If you have talents keep not back from using them. Hoard not your wealth, waste not your time; let not your abilities rust or your influence be unused. Jesus kept not back, imitate Him by being foremost in self-denials and self-sacrifices. Keep not back from close communion with God, from boldly appropriating covenant blessings, from advancing in the divine life, from prying into the precious mysteries of the love of Christ. Neither, beloved friend, be guilty of keeping others back by your coldness, harshness, or suspicions. For Jesus' sake go forward yourself, and encourage others to do the like. Hell and the leaguered bands of superstition and infidelity are forward to the fight. O soldiers of the cross, keep not back.

- Charles Spurgeon (original emphasis in italics)

The Wedding gets a tag

2009-10-12T18:11:00.001-07:00

If I can't have a vineyard/countryside wedding, maybe I can re-create it?

Everyday Food

2009-10-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

D is always surprised with my speedy reading, and I guess that made me realize, okay, I am a little fast. But this lady is amazing... one book a day AND posting a review the next day: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/12/nyregion/12towns.html?_r=1

moonbeam

2009-10-05T23:54:00.000-07:00

when you awoke and showed me

how to speak, i wasn't sure whether it was for tonight

or another, but with the vowels forming

perfect

a-e-i-o-u, i said to myself, awake

mustn't miss his mouth, just follow

my old man

2009-10-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

He's now 30! Here is D with his four cakes and my dad with his "fake" vino. hahaha.

Just thought

2009-10-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

Will go wilgo wilco wilcom will come

Chanel

2009-09-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

The decadence, the lovely colors, the gilt and lace and geez, paper flowers too? eeee.

Time to GO. I'm so sick of sitting here!

She's so scattered.

2009-09-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

There is probably no one I drive more crazy than D. Okay. Maybe one more person. The wedding reception coordinator at the venue that we are *this* close to putting a deposit down on. But, I just can't do it. Why? Because it's corporate. It's too big. There is no nature, except from 50000 feet up in the air. AND MOST OF ALL, the ceilings are too high. Yes. Too high? Who thinks that? So, not only am I indecisive, I'm also irrational and picky. It's like the ultimate crazy trifecta and it's really really driving the reception coordinator batty. AUUUUUUUUUUGH. It's driving EVERYONE batty, bridesmaids, my parents, D's parents, and everyone who asks me how my wedding planning is going, and most most importantly, the LOML. (If you can guess what those acronyms stand for, you are smarter than you think.)

On a happier note, I think we are closer to setting a date. In JUNE~!

so sleepy and yes, lazy

2009-07-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm much too lazy and easily distracted to use FB or even twitter, so just writing like this seems easier. I am not sure if anyone reads this because yes, I'm also even that lazy and don't have one of those tracker thingies. Tired today. I was up late last night talk to D about irrelevant matters but that's the kind of conversation you should have at 11:47 pm after a hard session of yoga and a filling dinner, right?

Oh, pain[t,] my nails

2009-07-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

I was going to leave at 4 pm because I was tired. And then I just powered through some briefing and now it's almost 7 pm. I am going to try for yoga today. I want to get my nails done tomorrow or Friday. I haven't frivolously treated myself in awhile. Okay, definitely tomorrow. Color? Pink. (D'uh) What shade of pink? Ah, good question. Maybe, light.

First of the Month

2009-07-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

As I start the new month, I am looking at all of these empty days in the billing calendar and wonder how many hard hours I will have to put in before they get all filled up. I've been doing this for a long time now, and it feels like an interminably terrible wait that went for something but I'm not quite sure for what. The fits and starts that punctuated my career is now just a vast nothingness of plain hard work. I should have slept more last night. And every night for the past several years.

hello, old friend

2009-06-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

How funny. I came across a series of words today - xxxx yy zzzzzzzzz - and thought of my good friend and fellow blogger. I looked her up on google and found that she's now married and has moved on to another blog, writing just as thoughtfully and poignantly as ever. Funny thing is, she doesn't really know me. I found her blog and followed it closely for a very long time, basically years 2002-2004. Once, I even commented on her blog, just to let her that I was reading and I thought she was brave for opening up herself with such optimism about her readers. She wrote back. I was really happy.

She's still living such a full life. One day, I will have to read back all her archived posts and catch up.

brief update

2009-04-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

So so many changes have happened in the last month or so. Life is a whirlwind.

I moved back to OC... whee...

David is finally moving to LA! living in downtown... double whee....

We are still looking at wedding venues... boo...

but we have set a date -- well, tentatively. january 30, 2010. i love these round numbers.

woo hoo!

DJ

2009-04-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

By far the best part of wedding planning is putting together a wedding playlist.

a roman holiday

2009-04-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

I've been much too scared to embark on anything alone, let alone a cross-atlantic trip. Tickets are cheap now. All I do is work. I may take one.

well, why not?

2009-04-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

If none of my partners are working from the office, why should I? Good question, I should go home and lounge about in my PJs.

can't stop and can't sleep

2009-04-01T07:24:00.001-07:00

I've never been one to worry too much about anything, really, and that is probably why in retrospect, I realize that I used to be a sound sleeper - greedy about any time I can borrow under the covers. These days I'm experiencing bouts of insomnia, usually signalled with waking up way earlier than necessary, and then, coming into the office way earlier than necessary. True I get more work done, but I'm troubled by my lack of peace. I think I need to make my way back to God, and go home.

watch yourself

2009-03-29T18:57:00.000-07:00

After an USC student crashed into my car and caused 3 weeks of vehicle repair time, 50 lost billable hours, angst and annoyance, I have become convinced that USC drivers are the worst. Forget ajummas and halmunees -- it's the USC drivers with their road entitlement that drive me bonkers. Case in point, another car carelessly almost crashed into my lane due to her not looking at her blind spot. And again, another USC alumni license plate holder. Watch yourself, people.

It's true

2009-03-18T16:59:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I fear my lack of contentment.

2009-03-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

This is so cool.

We're Engaged!

2009-03-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

Happiness! This music video is so perfect.

At our family dinner this past Saturday, my grandmother asked D: Hae-jin-ee sarang-hae? D says: Nae, sarang-hae- yo. :) :) :)

The truth.

2009-02-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

Here are my thoughts on the last post. Someone asked me whether that was a passive way of nudging D to propose. OMG! No-way! (Besides, he does not read my blog so this post would be moot if that was my intent.)

I was merely thinking that it would be nice to be a housewife, but without getting married.

However, the last couple of days, I started unraveling what my fears are about getting married - and they are a lot. Fears of losing my sense of self (gracious, I have to change my name???), of being a responsible adult and not just my parents' baby, having to plan a wedding (worst nightmare ever!), or even having to deal with the whole in-law issue. But, I think one of my biggest fears is that this person who I really like a whole lot and yes, of course, love and think is unbearably cute (hehe) will become someone who not only will be irrevocably joined with me for the rest of my life but could possibly annoy, vex, and drive me to madness as well. And, vice versa. Trust me, he's patient now, but I'm sure within 5 years....

I see this in my parents. They are a very sweet couple but I'm sure all of you have witnessed the madness of marriage. There isn't much pretty about it when you've had children and the rosy glow of a sweet courtship is over.

I just finished a book about what Christian marriages should look like - that where Love and Respect is used to build up both parties - marriages can flourish. Simply, it opened up my eyes to what marriage could look like when it is brought under God. Our humanity is what breaks every marriage, but by trusting in God and transforming the marriage relationship to what God intended, we can make that step of faith to move forward into a permanent future. I've been praying for that courage to make that step (if and when it comes) so that this decision could be made with a sureness that arises from my faith in God's sovereignty and not in my own plans.

is this like Twitter?

2009-02-05T13:33:00.001-08:00

I'd love to be a housewife. I would be a Real Simple housewife. I suppose that means I gotta get married first... *sigh*

I don't know why

2009-02-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

I didn't come.

LOST PREMIERE

2009-01-21T10:16:00.001-08:00

TONIGHT! So happy. So excited. I better not have to work tonight.

10 years old!

2009-01-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

That's how old I feel whenever I apply the Rosebud Strawberry lip balm. And that's not a good thing when you're expected to be like, mature and professional and stuff. No cartwheels and dancing to New Kids. xoxo

First days and last days are always the sweetest.

2009-01-12T20:21:00.000-08:00

My best 2008 decision was made back in July: go on an 11 day trip to Buenos Aires and Punta Del Este for a winter vacation. We left Christmas Day and came back the Monday after New Year's. It was one of the nicest trips I've been on - good company, delicious food and wine, nights out until the dawn, warm days, inspiring music and sights and people. Below are my favorite pictures.

city days

city nights

after dinner cortado

2009-01-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

the usual pastime: drinking wine and looking at menus

food was amazing: steak and empanadas

huge city boulevards

the president

sunset in punta del este, lovely marina

ladies with hats

clarico, white wine with fresh fruit

missing them already

Back and happy

2009-01-10T12:37:00.000-08:00

The saddest and sweetest arrangement that I have heard in recent memory comes from Gabriela Montero's Continuum, Improvisation For Piano: Montero: Continuum 4:11. Please play it. It is that good.

I have lots of pictures from my trip to Buenos Aires and Punta, and will post them later. Happy new year!

2008-12-22T16:21:00.001-08:00

What is the gospel?

“The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.”- Timothy Keller

Maybe

2008-12-18T22:06:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not bitter about working late again tonight. Why? Because of Christmas music. It's like my personal cheerleader, a coffee break, a sugar rush, a spot of love and joy, the clapping cheer, making me smile as I type and type...

Maybe I'll have a wedding in Christmas. NO, not this year, I'm just pondering.

Baby, it's cold outside~

A Gospel Christmas

2008-12-17T14:55:00.000-08:00

In attending the "A Gospel Christmas" concert at the SF Symphony Hall, I was taken by pleasant surprise with how much of the Gospel - the true meaning of this season - was a part of each and every song. And this was in a city where you would not expect the Gospel to be proclaimed with resounding song and cheer. It brought tears to my eyes, worshipping God in one of the most beautiful concert venues, exclaiming joy over the Holy Night our Lord was born to save us.

I turned to D and asked him, did you know that they would be singing of Jesus Christ and salvation so openly?

He looked at me carefully, and said, Well... it's called A Gospel Christmas concert.

:)

On my to-do list

2008-12-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

Someday, will do this.

beautiful city

2008-12-14T21:54:00.002-08:00

Wake me up, baby!

2008-12-10T16:45:00.001-08:00

Third cup of coffee. Argh

Yee-Haw

2008-12-08T23:31:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, D had his holiday party in Dallas of all places...so we trekked to the land of cowboys, brisket and ... chill factor! It was freezing there. The party was at a contemporary art museum (great venue!) and totally fun: dancing to 80s music, drinking really good red wine and chatting up his co-workers at the other offices of his firm. We were the only couple where both people were Asian, so nice little ladies told us how cute we were... hehe. :) Kind of funny and kind of not, but whatever, gotta represent!

The last couple of weeks, I've been beginning to realize how stable and yet also giddy I feel about this relationship. Usually, relationships seem to be one or the other: stable yet boring, or exciting yet slightly crazy, but not both! And yet, that's been possible-- pretty amazing.

OMG i'm tired

2008-12-03T12:47:00.000-08:00

yeah... long week at work, and it's only Wed!

yum

2008-11-26T08:55:00.000-08:00

It's barely 9 am, but dessert sounds good right now.

ADD

2008-11-25T16:45:00.000-08:00

I seriously cannot focus and I have so much to do. My mind keeps wandering to upcoming parties, get-togethers and traveling and... I end up online shopping. Has anyone checked out Nordie's dress selection? It's pretty amazing.

beginning of the season

2008-11-23T21:38:00.000-08:00

silly

in line for big thunder mountain

"it's santa!!" - squealing like a 5-year-old

This weekend, D and I went to Disneyland. It's barely Thanksgiving, but the park had us jing-a-ling-ing all day long. At the end of the night, after the fireworks, it started snowing above the lit trees. We gazed up into the sky and smiled.

fab4 and reunion

2008-11-20T20:54:00.000-08:00

Yep, confirmed it - I'm 28. Confirmed over and over and over... haha. I kid.

10 Year Reunion - Go Lancers.

The Fab 4 went to the 10 year reunion this past weekend. It was heady. I totally reverted back to how I was in high school (I think) - shy and tongue-tied. The shyness was short-lived once we hit the dancefloor and I was forced to dance with a certain person who is in the medical field and her name rhymes with glenda. ;) There are some pretty funny pictures but if I posted them here, I wouldn't survive the night.

After the reunion, we went to a wine bar for some delish fondue, wines and some heart-to-heart. xoxo to dearest ladies...

Yuck

2008-11-20T15:51:00.000-08:00

There are a ton of lay-offs at major law firms around the country. It's actually pretty scary. I wonder if the Axe will fall at my firm. For maybe the first time ever, I'm grateful to be a litigator and not a transactional. I'm tired though. My left eye is twitching.

I'm sorry, but...

2008-11-11T13:56:00.001-08:00

This totally made me laugh: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/10/opinion/10alford.html?em

Yay - so relieved with the results...

2008-11-04T23:11:00.001-08:00

a nostalgic look back at the best skit ever - I have a huge crush on seth... hehe.

Mr. Nader

2008-11-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

I almost voted for him.

This morning, I woke up super early after not having much sleep, and walked 7 blocks to my local polling station. I started off a bit annoyed that I had to go through all of this, given that I had put in a request to be a permanent mail in voter several weeks ago. And, if they had sent me a mail in ballot, but it was lost, then I would have to vote provisionally, with no real guarantee that the vote would get counted. Bummer.

After each passing block however, I had to admit that the walk was nice - the sun was starting to come out, the wind was cool and the morning rain had ceased. Just puddles everywhere. I walked up to the line and waited, reading up on some cases that I've been putting aside and eating my breakfast.

I don't know why, exactly, but when I reached the polling station, I was so flustered by the actual moment of VOTING, that I just stood there, looking at my ticket and the machine. It took me 5 minutes to position it correctly. And then, I stamped Nader as my president.

After a horrified milisecond of peering at the machine, I took out the ticket.

I went back to the polling workers and asked them if I could have another ballot. They looked at me and probably wondered how anyone could be so inept. They voided my old one and I voted.

Stamp stamp stamp stamp... finally. Done.

yucky

2008-11-04T00:37:00.001-08:00

I can't sleep. People - update your blogs, stat! :)

You are what you love...

2008-11-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Jenny Lewis had such a coy presence on stage:

girlishly sweet, with a silvery, sly undertone.

the girl was nice, but the theater was the real star:

same ceiling, different settings

Weekend Delights

2008-10-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

BEST PRESENT EVER!

it's a thing of beauty: iridescent pink, wicker basket and leather white seat shaped into a heart... my very own townie... hehehehe... ;)

Thanks to this Man.

We biked across the Golden Gate Bridge - quite possibly the most exercise I've had in a year. Yes, I can stand on one leg in a 105 degree room for the love of yoga, but I cannot bike past 2 mph. But, we made it.

Under the bridge...

I love you SF!!!

***

Later that weekend, JPark's Wedding Reception

With the happy couple...

The end.

2 years

2008-10-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know what I'm going to read every morning once the elections are over.

next cake

2008-10-23T14:10:00.001-07:00

My friend prefaced it by saying that she got me the most yam-jun-han (or "ladylike"?) bday present ever, with a sheepish smile... *drum roll*... baking stuff!

yay!

My next cake will be... http://smittenkitchen.com/2008/10/pink-lady-cake/#more-1000

Sorry, I forgot to take pictures of the last batch of cupcakes I made for B's b-day... I'll definitely take pictures for the next creation.

birthday pahtees

2008-10-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

Brenda's B-day - Fab 4 ;)

*****

My B-day @ 8 oz.

(I wanted in/n/out for my dinner but girls insisted on upgrade...

haha... dang, that was a good meal!)

tasters at E's (limes are necessary -

but tequila wasn't involved, no worries!)

close-ups

w/e & roomie

w/v

more to come...

lovely

2008-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

Just listening to Jack Johnson makes me want to lie under a canopy of rustling leaves, sipping a pina colada.

bad friday!

2008-10-10T08:52:00.001-07:00

I should have paid more attention to my emails... Andrew Bird tickets sold out. :( :( :(

I pass no judgment

2008-10-07T20:39:00.001-07:00

But does anyone think that the uncommitted Ohio voters who are female tend to have big highs and lows in their instant reactions to the debates? Whether they are more sensitive or emotional or something, I don't know, but I found it more interesting than the debate itself.

[Caveat: if you watch the debates on CNN, then you know what I'm talking about.]

Late this afternoon, a partner - the former chair of the summer associate committee when I was a summer, and close mentor and friend - told me that he was leaving the firm. I felt both happy and sad for him, some call this a bittersweet moment, I suppose. It was an announcement that I knew would be coming. A looming drawback to big-law, or corporate law firms, is the push to either make equity or get out of the way. And to make equity partnership, you have to show a book of business or show some invaluable trait garnering your place among the profits. Within a couple of years of making non-equity partnership, you better show you've got the chops to do either or both. I suppose as this particular partner was making his way up the ranks and realized that he was not considered for either, he started looking to make the move. He told me this news with some degree of ... pinkness ... from the elation of leaving the place or from the transparently desperate nature of the news, but I just felt for him. His choice was obvious and his path out would be graceful because we all want to be.

It's the end of a certain phase for my career too. I'm now no longer just a junior associate - I'm in this amorphous phase of being a mid-level associate - and part of my reluctance to join this phase is the looming knowledge of what lies ahead. I have to make a choice to either go for it or time it out. I received a great review for this past year, and instead of feeling relieved to have passed another year, I just felt silent. Another year has gone by? And, what - I'm still here?

I love its ambitions

2008-10-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/05/books/review/Millhauser-t.html

White dress

2008-10-02T20:53:00.001-07:00

I've been invited to a fair number of weddings over the last couple of years.

And guess what? I've missed more than half of them - for one reason or another - and for those I did attend, I completely missed the ceremony. Out of the six or so where I was actually present for the entire affair, I was a bridesmaid for three, and a family member got married in two.

And then, the other day, the boy called me a commit-a-phobe. Deny deny deny.

Then, the memories of missed weddings rush by.

Geez Louise.

new song. good song.

2008-09-09T18:32:00.001-07:00

Breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt
because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face
that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

- Ingrid Michaelson

revelation

2008-08-27T16:39:00.001-07:00

As I'm eating sour patch kids, I realize that I like people who are initially sour but then later turn out sweet. hehe.

gracious!

2008-08-20T11:32:00.001-07:00

so i've already decided on the chocolate raspberry cake - probably will be adding boysenberries too (i think that's what they're called) - and then, i saw this concoction: http://smittenkitchen.com/2007/08/alexs-choice/

gracious!!!

yahoooo!

2008-08-19T13:49:00.001-07:00

i'mdonei'mdone!

i have acres of time in a day. last week, breaking news came. i left work in a rush, and wandered around la, accompanied occasionally by the overwhelming feeling of misplaced guilt and rightly-placed freedom and absolute joy. i looked at people sitting around on a thursday mid-afternoon in shorts and tanktops and wondered where they came from. not everyone in LA could be independently wealthy, could they?

my good and perfect roommate / wife will be turning one year older this week, and because she is a fiend for chocolate, i'm debating between baking a chocolate/peanut butter cake or a chocolate/raspberry cake. next, i will probably silently debate whether i should go to yoga today at 6 or 8 pm. ;)

edit: *sigh* - i was reminded and now want fly away to paris ...

2008-08-15T23:26:00.001-07:00

I love the olympics!!

grumbling heart

2008-07-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

I feel like this whole month has been one long complaint. Both in my head, my heart and even my mouth. I've never worked so much - with only stolen glimpses of free time and happy memories. But perhaps that's not what I have been meaning to share. Instead, it is: God is so good. His sovereignty, in His perfect timing with my life, my work, my friends, my brother, everything, has come just to be good. I've been reading 1st Samuel these days - with rapt attention. The rise and fall of Saul, the ascendency of David, the wisdom of Samuel; I am reminded again and again, that the plans of me are shortsighted.

In particular to the trial (and now the second trial), I felt that dawn would literally never come. I felt useless, stupid, foul with it all. His rescue from even these darkest moments has been such a relief, a reminder of the grace that only God gives. Keep on.

I'm headed off to Minn on Sunday. Hopefully, for just a couple of days -

last song of the night.

2008-07-20T23:35:00.001-07:00

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

- feist

in the middle of this madness,

2008-07-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

i wish i had time to bake.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/09/dining/091crex.html?em&ex=1215748800&en=03e606da712211cc&ei=5087%0A

during the last year of lschool, i used to bake all kinds of brownies, just for fun. *sigh*

what a job

2008-07-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sitting at my desk, I kept hearing weird noises near my window - creaking, stamping, scraping - and I tried to ignore it. I finally looked up at towards the window, and saw... a window washer. Wow. He was very professional about it - didn't even look at me, even as I peered out at him. It's getting late, and I can't believe he's washing the building windows now. I can still hear him. Hope he finishes soon...

yum

2008-06-27T10:11:00.001-07:00

I had a donut and coffee for breakfast and inadvertently propelled myself back to being like, 10 years old. Reminds me of Sunday mornings at church - smelling mom's coffee and munching on a perfect sugar-glazed donut.

TGIF. Though, I probably have to work tomorrow.

Choose

2008-06-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

I hit another wall with work today. Silly sad little walls. Not sure when or where I will get any respite.

The only thing I could do was sing softly to myself:

Every blessing you pour out,

I turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say Lord,

Blessed be your name

the kid brother

2008-06-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

keeps me hip: http://www.pandora.com/

it's pretty awesome.

don't know why

2008-06-15T23:13:00.001-07:00

I want to stay up late and wake up early and drink lots of coffee.

musicians

2008-06-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

I said it once, and I will say it again: John Legend is so~ amazing.
http://www.kcrw.com/music/programs/gz/gz070707john_legend

And, dreamy. ;)

o-k. back to work...

capturing moods

2008-06-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

Moods don’t command you if you don’t know what you’re going through.
There’s love for you up where the population grows.
There’s friendly people in cities too, just ask them where they are going to.
There’s life and work up where the clouds meet the snow.

And I don’t mind waiting….

I’m always one step ahead of you if you don’t know what you’re going through.
There’s laughs and fun up where the conversation flows.
And I don’t mind waiting if it takes a long, long time.
I don’t mind braving the coldest winter of our time.
I don’t mind racing through our goodbyes.

This is your last line of defense.
You could sell your baseball cards just to pay your rent, yeah.

I don’t mind waiting if it takes a long, long time.
And I don’t mind wasting the best years of our lives.
And I don’t mind racing through our goodbyes.

- rilo kiley

a second look

2008-06-05T22:37:00.000-07:00

As I drove home, the day turning into dusk, I noticed two large HOLLYWOOD buses driving by. Double decker, red, bubble print lettering, and heaps of tourists on the top deck, training their cameras to the Disney Hall coming up on the corner of First and Grand. I see that building nearly every other day, but I looked at it again. Today, it looked like a shimmering suit of armor, with scales of silver overflowing, carefully and measured.

I met up with some old high school friends the other day. I haven't seen them in 10 years. 10 YEARS. As we sat there reminiscing about our teachers, our "dances" (haha, yes), various folks whose names we forgot but instantly re-remembered again, etc, etc, I saw them again, still the same. Parts of their personalities that were bubbling under the surface ten years ago, became more dominant and visible without the social pressures of high school, and I could see what I only suspected in the past. I suppose that's one thing that the passage of time does - create permanence in some facets of our personality.

big.brown

2008-06-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

There is something very satisfying about tracking your UPS package through its travels.

Sunshine

2008-06-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I unexpectedly received a call from my pro bono client who I helped out last year... She's doing so well! She's working at a non-profit, living in Westwood near UCLA and attending school. Her life is so dramatically different from just a year ago. Thank you God, for the encouragement.

Maybe I'm just tired.

2008-06-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

Before I fully realized what I was saying, I said it: I work on morally ambiguous cases. The audience to my response was in no way prepared for it, and I wasn't quite either. But there it was, the words floated along in the open space between us and it was off-putting. I try not to be awkward, but sometimes, those inevitable moments can swell up into a big question mark.

It's not that I hate my job. I don't. But when I think about what I could possibly do if I knew that I couldn't fail at my next endeavor, my first thought is that I would quit. No qualms about it. Being in this sort of hazy state of mind, where thoughts of quitting flit in and out with thoughts of stability and security and my-gosh-something to do, my work life has become sort of a chore. Sort of what it would seem like to be in a dead-end relationship with the knowledge you'd never accept a proposal. I've been wrestling with this problem for quite some time, and it's been coming to fore more and more often, quite possibly precipitated by a series of events at my workplace that has left me even more apathetic and unmotivated than ever. And, working constantly, with no real end in sight, with endless amounts of paper typing reading talking reading again and typing has become nothing more than the end itself.

Juxtaposed with all this ambivalence is the world that is concretely and surely in need. I know the second commandment is to love my neighbor as I do myself, and failing complete obedience may be the hardest cost of all.

beginnings and endings

2008-05-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

http://hipstomp.livejournal.com

blossoming

2008-05-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

The flowers sitting in a pretty pot on my desk were slowly dying so I plucked out their falling petals and laid them to rest in my trash can. This morning, I came in to see that another flower is now blossoming in its place. Pretty! - The appeal of psuedo-gardening.

I had a hard yoga session last night, and finally realized that the best stretches come from inhaling and exhaling so that with every exhale you go deeper into the stretch. I feel super good today.

birthdays

2008-04-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

After a brief hiatus from birthdays, it's starting up again. Everyone is getting to be one year older, and the parties come 'round & 'round. This year, it came a little earlier than usual. N's dear daughter turned one and dear V turned one year before 30 ;)

I love writing birthday cards, maybe even more than receiving them. Being able to express how much I love you on one of the special days of your new year makes me happy.

Finally

2008-04-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

My patience is definitely wearing thin at times, and no less at work. At work, and definitely with the work that I've been doing the last several years. Every time a recruiter calls and makes a play, I always ask: Any IP work? Some have been available, but I could never muster the strength to make any kind of lateral move. Now, finally... the work is here; the partner is here; the client is here. And, I am so excited. I'm actually reading stuff from work as if it's fun! It is! I figure, even if I'm not creative, at least I can work in an area where others are, and maybe, even help them protect it.

the small things

2008-04-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

Nothing makes me happier than listening to Christmas songs ... ;)

thu night lights

2008-04-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

Last night, my firm hosted a women's event at a nearby spa, serving wine and cheese in between our 20 minute sessions of massages. It was delightful! I had a "girl.s on h.eels" massage (lower legs) and "s.tress relie.f" (neck and shoulders). Add a glass of white wine, and I was super relaxed. My roommate and I then headed over to the local wine store and tried out different flights - her a red, mine a rose (or, rosee). We, or maybe it was just me, kept checking out the emo-looking s.ilverlake guys with their tight jeans, spiky hair and brightly colored t-shirts. Something about them is so cute! We kept cracking up as we talked about our week, our dramas, the dramas of our girls... These mid-week interludes are lovely, living life in perfect bites of relaxation.

eggs

2008-04-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

I love eggs, but check out these ones laid by my mom's friend's goose. It was so odd, I had to memorialize it. I'm guessing it'd take an hour to boil one. And, honestly... that's pretty gross. ;)

We regret to inform you...

2008-04-14T23:37:00.000-07:00

The timing of the letter rejecting my application for Big Change (don't tell my firm!) was impeccable. It came at the heels of my renewed realization that God is in control of my life - firmly - and I was good with it. Maybe even a week ago, this would have spun me around like so many other circumstances tend to do. But this time, it hasn't.

Another piece about timing. I was aiming to ask a partner to put in a recommendation for me. She was on emergency medical leave for most of the last month and half and I was unable to reach out to her about this - motivated by my not wanting to disturb her and my fear of succeeding if she did. She's back now, and I was set to speak to her today about a case and perhaps also about the recommendation, but an emergency pushed me off that track.

I am going to talk to her tomorrow morning, but not anymore about this job. On both the profound and practical, timing made me not regret.

new

2008-04-13T21:45:00.001-07:00

I've been fighting a shift in perspective for a long time now. Let's see if this will work.